Grief and chronic illness

When addressing the bereaved families of September 11th attack victims, Queen Elizabeth II famously said, “Grief is the price we pay for love.” Grief is often associated with the death of someone close, experienced by those left behind who are mourning. It’s typically seen as an acute phase – perhaps the period immediately after the loss – before evolving into a more enduring sense of sorrow that may become easier to live with over time, though it still waxes and wanes. During bereavement training, when I was still teaching, the facilitator compared grief to the yolk of an egg. Over time, the egg white grows around the yolk again. However, the yolk can still be poked or broken as life continues, sometimes without warning, triggered by a place, event or song that brings a memory.

Grief can also arise from reasons other than death. In the case of chronic illness, grief is the price paid for loss. For those living with ongoing conditions, it’s rooted in the loss of hopes and dreams once held for the future and often leads to profound emotional upset. This grief doesn’t typically appear immediately after a diagnosis but tends to emerge over time, once the full reality of “chronic” sets in. Symptoms become something that must be lived with and managed every day – 365 days a year – alongside the realisation that a chronic illness isn’t one that will simply resolve.

The reasons behind the grief felt by someone with chronic illness will vary from person to person and may shift over time. Coming to terms with the fact that life will no longer unfold as expected is a huge challenge. Those who are healthy continue to move through familiar milestones. Someone living with chronic illness often watches these moments happen for loved ones or friends, which can be deeply painful and emotional.

Loss of identity, job, salary, home, friendships, fertility, the opportunity to have children, or a relationship or marriage – all of these can be part of life with chronic illness. One of these losses would be hard enough to process. Many people are facing several at once. It’s no easy task. These are big, emotive topics that stir deep feelings. For those living with an energy-limiting condition, sadness, upset, worry and distress don’t exactly ease the fatigue – if anything, they make it feel heavier still.

So how can coaching help? At the heart of a good coaching session is a meaningful conversation filled with thoughtful questions that prompt reflection. It may get deep and it’s unlikely to feel light-hearted. The process is ultimately about taking action. It’s about recognising that there’s an opportunity to make a conscious decision to move through the sorrow – absolutely acknowledging the unfairness of all that’s unfolded – and choosing not to stay stuck there. Coaching instead supports a sense of acceptance and helps to find ways to reset. Will the yolk still get poked and break? Undoubtedly. Creating your own emotional wellbeing toolbox to help manage these times can build the resilience needed to live purposefully but hopefully without overwhelm.

If you’d like support unpacking the emotional tangle that chronic illness brings, including the immense sense of loss, please book a Discovery Call.

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The content in my blog posts is provided for your general information purposes only, that maybe of interest to you. Please remember it has not been created with your specific circumstances in mind and therefore should not be relied on as medical advice or any other type of advice.